Everything has been working out recently. Everything with Hoshi-chan. Everything with friends and family (as the family is away on vacation and the hole house is mine. )

One problem though. I stressed too much and I now have some stupid ass fever. I've been feeling sick for two days...Back and joint aches. Too hot, to cold. Headaches and dizzyness. Its sucked real hard. Still does. Hoshi-chan has been nursing me for the last two days. I feel real bad about it too.

Ive been at 102-4 for like...2 days now. And I feel discusting.

I went to the emergency room last night, went to the doctor today...and Getting bloodwork tomarrow.

Nobody knows what it is. They only thing that has made my feel better was Hoshi-chan so far...That...lots of water and ibprofen.

Gov's party is tomorrow. Hope im feeling up to par by then.

~Jackimo Tacticlow.

I know I really shouldn't be thinking on an angered/upset mind, but I've been like a bipolar kid or something. This isn't like me at all. I'm not really sure what is happening.

I think I'm losing my focus. To me it's about what makes her happiest. There is also a exceptionally large desire to be with her. I'm ready to go the distance and make the play, even if it is throwing myself under the bus to help her.

The night before she went away, she told me she wanted to move on, and that I should seek help. She said she loved me and she wanted to persue it.  Yesterday, she told me she loved me. She and I had an excellent time, and enjoyed each other's company. We were very into eachothers auras and everything was sparks.

Tonight, she played hard go get. She did say she loved me once. She did say she wanted to spend the night, and fall asleep next to me...but....there was something wrong. Sever hesitiation.

When she gets stressed out, or thinks about the complication, she becomes unhappy, and forgets what I've told her. Maybe she still is in love with him. Maybe she's confused.  Maybe she's scared of me. 

I think I'm scared. It's been many years since I feared something. I think I am face to face with it again.

It's about what makes her happiest. Its not about me. It's not about what I want. I've had my chance. I'm almost regretting opening up again...This hurts real bad. I've never been on edge like this before. This can't be good for me. This isn't like me at all.

She's never gonna read this. I don't wanna get up tomorrow. I don't wanna go to work. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore.

I gotta think. Peace.

~jack

Life turned to normality today as nobody jumped off their boat and died. Today was fun. Real fun. I feel real, real good. ^_^

I as well, would like to buy a bamboo fun, or even a shittier tablet, so I can do some fun stuff on photoshop. Even If I cannot draw or be Floe or anything, I'd still like to make an attempt...or at least make silly things.

I'd like to find a inexpensive one. If I find two for low prices, I'll let you know, Floe. Do the same for me.

Editing is going well. I hope to get it done by next week. Not much to say tonight...Other than things are gooooood.

~Jackimus: Feelin' good. Being bad. ^_^

Waiting will be done, as tomorrow will be the last day of it. Everyone comes back into town on Sunday, and peace is restored. Like, I'd say I am a very patient person, and I can wait and wait and wait for things to happen eventually. That's one of my finest skills, but waiting for her to get home is just, too much for me. I'm being really dumb and childish. What-the-fuck-ever. =/

Today, Joey was being a jerk so I tied him up. You're not supposed to tie up little kids. His father loved it. Me punishing him for spilling soda is also posted on my youtube account.  Look up user "oboelolz", as this stupid hyperlink creater isnt working =/

I finished converting and messing with all the footage from the "Governor and DanWalsh Documentary". It is ready for editing, but I cannot run premier, and windows movie maker is being a shit head, like usual. That little buggy piece of shit is going down. =/ All the footage is real funny though. I'm really proud of what I have collected as my first documentary. ^_^

Plans with Josh failed, as DnD was canceled on account of one of his friends having a Birthday to Celebrate. That is understandable, and I do accept it. What I'll do with the rest of this night is beyond me. =/

I have plans to attack Floe with a serious question. Be prepared. It may affect the rest of your life. =/

Other than that...I sit here in wait. It's almost over. It's almost over. It's almost over...

OH YEAH and Today I learned that Tomorrow...is spelled "T OM M O R R O W".  For years I thought it was Tomarrow. I've had fights with word for years over it. Sorry Microsoft Word. =/

See you "Tomorrow"!

~Jackimus Lucas. Thats right. Starwars is mine, BITCHES.
"oboelolz" -Youtube

So uh, I am at wooork.  I'm supposed to hang with Josh tonight, but uh, it depends if he or I forget that were hanging out. Sometimes that happens.

So it is Wed. Cannnnnnnnnnnn youuuuuu believe it? This week has been extremely dull. Nothing to do or say. My hands hurt from playing too much, and life other wise is as slow as snails. Snails are good, just... I dunno. I'm alittle anxious I suppose.

Floe's ex bf...uh...Loki? Necco? Tim. Whatever. Yeah, hes a real creep. Calling her after she said for him to stop, and to say creepy things like "I have people around, you know. They are going to show up at your boyfriend's job." and threatening me personallly. It's pretty shitty of him. I wish he would leave her alone. I believe the whole community is mad at him, and I suppose the reason hes calling back is because he still loves her. But still, don't be a dick about it. There is one thing to love. There is one thing to lie. There is one thing to own up to it. And there is that thing of still loving....But be for real buddy. Its about self respect, and respecting others. Durp.

Next time, Floe. It's not gonna be a short stupid "hi! lets get interupted by a doushebag! oh wait bye" thing....I just had to play a show. I'm sure you understand....

I do not really have too much to say about myself these days...I guess I'm just anxious, bored, and drained. 

When I look at the moon, I know that somewhere, someone else is looking at that same moon and thinking of me. Even if that person does not know it, or know me. I'm pretty sure what I'm saying is true.

~Jackimus Prime: Attourney at Lol.

What a terrrribly lonnnngg week this will be.  I've been waiting for this week to end....two weeks ago. That would make that 3 weeks including this week that I, Jack The Lad, would be ruing this time.

Whhhhhhhhat the fuck is there to do with myself? There is only so much practicing, writing, and videogame playing that you can do before your sister is like "Welp, what happened to your life? lol" and your only response is to paw at the front door. I ...don't....Paw...

Had tuesday off because some stupid ass busdriver fucked up some schedualing, now the father is staying home as he had missed work to figure it out.... Like I love days off and shit...but seroiusly, I am really bored.  I really want something to do. My headphones, earphones... or whatever blow cock, and its really hot outside, so I cant even run or do something active... My back hurts from being in bed for over 20 hours. Gay. Maybe tonight. Nope, forgot. I have to play a show tonight. =/

I don't know why I'm so whiny today, but its probably because I cannot do that one thing I really wanna do.

So if....Sunday was day...one...today...would be day....three...Which means theres....-points at fingers-  Four more days. Four more days of sitting around with nothing but one thing on the mind.

Wow, So it's come to this....Lolololfldsfjsjafslda;jfdjsklfsjdfjsdkljsdljflds;...

~Jackimus Blackimus

Well, I don't exactly feel like crying. I just feel very...Tired. Tired and hopeless, sorta. Sorry to be a pessimistic prick.

We met at a park...and talked it out...sorta. She said she feels bad about him, but she loves us both...and has to figure herself out. It may take a long time.  He cried.  He said "how could something like this happen?".  I tried to be optimistic...and told him that a chance like this is a chance to live and learn. It's something we must all do. He sat, and moped. He did not ask many...or almost any questions, and he bearly spoke. She seemed worried about him, and tried to urge conversation a little. I adapted Metaphors and Ideas to the situation, trying to relate, and pick up spirits.

I told him I wasn't here to ruin him, or his life. "I don't see ...Malicious...as one of my ...personal adjectives..."

She said she wanted space from him. I decided to follow the same concept and back off some. He didn't seem to understand where she was coming from, or why she'd say something like this. It made sense. I think he's kinda lost his reasoning.

He hasn't understood, it seems. As immediately after we left, when she went to see her friends as pre-planned, he texted her, saying  how he was going to show up, and see her. He also mentioned his friend and her friends watching movies or such.  She wanted space. She didnt even directly tell me "back off". I understood it. Why can't he?

I really hope this doesnt upset her or stress her out.

So it seems I've lost this one. As expected, effort and hope with direction isn't always enough situationally. She digged me, She has for years I suppose. I just never can do these things right. I suppose I'll just sit on the sidelines and watch.  Cheering her on. Having my own ideas and hopes in my own little...fat guy watching football type way...

It will probably hit me later. Oh well... I gotta figure myself out. I'm not going to feel any diffrent any time soon. So... Whatever I suppose.

Maybe I'll get another chance...one day...


~Jack The Lad: Heartless and Souless, What will he do next!?

STAY TUNED! =/

Tomarrow evening is the time where I face her fears, his fears, and my ambitions.

He has said alot of silly things...really silly, insensitive things...Hes slandered me, Called me cocky, and and asshole. Telling me "(I) will never love her the way he will. She will never love me the way he will."....Whatever that last part is supposed to mean... lol. He doesn't know what I know. He doesn't have the same intel I do. He doesn't have the same backround as me.  He is going into this with a "box-cutter" and shattered dreams. I don't blame him. I just wouldn't of said all those things he did.

I will not underestimate him. I will not endorse or promote violence.

I have not once said he doesn't love properly or to the same extent as anyone. I did not slander him. I did not say I'll beat him up. I did not tell anyone not to love or speak to anyone. I did not tell anyone to "Decide...Me or him!". I did not threaten anyone. I am not encircled in rage. I don't mean to be pointing this out, but the onlything I have said is that his thoughts and emotions need to grow with experiance. I had to do it.  She had to do it.

I'm Guilty of hurting her once (severly). I did this to help her see that with life she will grow. We met up. I confessed my sins, and false allogations on me. I repented. She accepted. I saw how she grew. I wanted to help her with her current problems... We clicked.

Sorry you're hurting now. That I suppose is my fault again...but this is for immediate happyness I'm sure. You know how I feel. You know my intentions. You know how I will behave and do the right thing...

No matter how it ends, I stand with the same motive. The same feelings. The same look on everything. You know me.

Or maybe now you do.


~Jack The Lad: Signer of a Contract of Souls.

Fuck this. I'm being a little pussy shit. Fuck all that. Fuck being a dick. Fuck thinking and rethinking. Fuck waiting. Fuck opposition. Fuck other ppl. Fuck time away. Fuck non-obtainable goals. Fuck free time. Fuck Working. Fuck missing people. Fuck thinking too much. Fuck girls. Fuck feeling shitty. Fuck feeling great. Fuck vacations. Fuck violence. Fuck other people being a dick. Fuck not feeling great. Fuck depression. Fuck alot of things.

I'm not mad.  I just have to grow up. This is why my feelings don't belong on my sleeve. I'm just that kind of person. I just take no kinds of shit.

Sorry.

~Jack

So I don't get to see her for two weeks. Her week is planned out all this week. No time. No nothing. Next week she goes on a cruise with her family. The week after work and friends again...

I feel pretty sick.

Is she just busy? I understand priorities. The cruise I can understand too, but I dunno..Something does not quite feel right. Maybe shes trying to tell me the big picture. "I have no time for you. Go away plz.". I don't like hidden messages. I'm sure she would of just told me so.  I'm being a bit silly. I think I've thought too much. I'm being mega selfish too. So I should stop.

I feel pretty sick.

I'll just shut up now.

By the way, It's weird not having Krista around posting. I hope shes having a pretty great time. =/

Today's entree will be about a habit I cannot break.

There is one person that, when I see them... I cannot can bearly resist throwing myself at them. This person is and has been a good friend of mine. Always thoughtful of me and how I feel, she understands my thoughts and ideas.

She has the same habit. I've discussed this with her before... We both are secretly in love, I am told.

I was told to follow my dreams. I'll do what I want, With her in best interest.


~Jack The Lad: Soulless to all but One.

Yeah, It isn't really what its cracked up to be. It's what you make of it that counts.

Who really wants to be a part of some lowly student musican's journey through life. Being there for the greatest and suposidly worst of times, eating fat foods, fighting for your life, accreditation by my family and peers.  It's not really the fun... But meaningful, I'm told.

"I never realized how big of a part of your life i was..."

She said that to me today... Yeah, our time was short, but alot went down. Alot was learned. Alot was loved. How do your respond to that? You can't just go "durr? you think?", and you can't go "Ah, not really." She was really important to me. Things went down. We went our ways.

Now it's time for me to get back into the frey and fight. Maybe not in the sense of my childhood, but in the sense of dignity, diligence, pride and nostalgia of what once was, and the bubbles I get in my stomach today.

I step into darkness to see the light. I see it.

It's the brightest thing I've ever seen.


~Jackotron: Lifting Cars by the Fifteen.

PS: I know I don't really know much about it...but I really do hope you have a great time at "AnthroCon", Floe. You deserve it.

That makes me a Troublemaker.

Noun. Person or Personified object that causes mischief and/or Mayhem.


I, uh. I suppose I am this now, as I do.  Sticking my head in, far into the Zoo. Taking someone else's pride away. Claims of it being his "only grip" on life.  I should feel terrible.

I do...But I don't.  You have defeated yourself. As you, my friend; my enemy, lost your chance when you threw it away.  When you have a relic that you must have, you must keep it safe and happy, surrounded by sheets of silk and cotton of the finest fiber.  When you neglect thee, and don't correct your ongoing and repeating mistakes (Burning bridges, they call it.), You lose your chance for sanctity for ever.

What I'm trying to say is, If you neglect a cat, It runs away.  If you feed the cat, pay attention to the cat, and do everything in your power, no matter how dangerous or dumb it is, You win the cat's heart and it follows you forever.

Now that your effort has ceased, and your relic is now hurting, as much as It seems to hurt me, I have to do my job.

Correcting my past, learning about the future, Teaching the relic to learn, and you yourself to adhere this lesson, Is what I'm here to do. I'm sorry If you never liked me. I'm sorry if you never cared to. I'm sorry If I ever hurt you. I'm sorry about what I now have to do. 

So, I'm causin' Trouble; or kicking ass.  I'm breaking hearts; I'm saving you. I'm learning lessons; teaching you anew.

One day, you'll understand....One day, I may too.


My deepest regrets, Our bill is now due.

~Jack The Lad: One Frog, One Rock, Many Feet.

......Do....you...know...what...it...is...like...to...be  this close... To something you want?
Not something you want....Something that ails you. Something that needs you. Something you Need. Something you are going to get sick over.

I was (-----------) This close away from it.  Not....A guestamate...not a estamate...not a figure...Litterally eleven of those almost microscopic little dashes in between those parenthesies.

That close. Imagine being that close to something. That close to having all the money Floe needs for Anthrocon. That close to making the bills on time. That close to making a game winning save.  Having lips so close to someone elses, then having to take all your effort to pull back and resist.

It's....really kinda shitty, and that kind of stuff fucks with you.  Nobody's fault but mine, but still. 

This is the price I pay for being the nice guy. This is what I get because I care. I'm already in trouble. I could of just went through with it and made it a pair.

Nope. I got shitty and meshed it up. No gamewinners for me, baby.

~JackTheLack
Feelin' Smooth.

The cycle goes like this:

Bleh-ok Time into Event.
Event into Epic-Awesome-Romance-Fun-Time.
"EARF" Time into "Uh-oh Time"
POSSIBLE LOVE GOES HERE.
"Uh-oh Time" into Bad Time.
Bad time into loss of the Event.


I'm pretty sure life is about a single chance grab it if you can, but If I had a second chance, Not that It would ever happen. I'd make some alterations.

 Bleh-ok Time Into Event.
Event into Epic-Awesome-Romance-Fun-Time.
"EARF" into Comfortablity w/spice or effort. (Whatever it calls for.)
Comfortablity into Growing Love.
Growing Love into Amazing-Time.
Amazing-Time into Growing Old.
Growing Old into Death. (The Happy Kind)


Supposably, and I'm relearning this, as my memory is terribly shot, I used to be a very caring, romantic guy. The kind of guy who would take significant others on picnics, go on walks, make consistant effort for dates and fun events, and much more.  I guess I've been alittle out of it all this time.  I've been at a happy "Smedium" (Shitty Medium) for a long time now. I think I finally found my old knack for being less soulless, and have motivation to kick it up a notch.  I miss how I used to be. I miss how things were.

I really do like the idea of effort.


And no, Floe. I wasn't txting anyone all day. I wasn't looking into a particular person for dating reasons. I wasn't being a liar or a cheat today.  You're out of your mind and you're wrong. ^__^ Yes, I love you too. Now eat your "Hickory Smoked Woodchips."


~Jackintheboxxxxxxx. "Super Happy Fun-Time."

So today, I went to a family party. Like a second uncle named "Mike" turned 50. Grats. I hope I never become that old.

This is not the point. The point leads to another substory. I was wondering the party, as I hate them, and found my Mother's cousin. She is around her age, and was really close to her. Turns out that recently, her, and three of her friends went to the "Babylon Carragehouse". They ate, and drank, and did their very habitual things. Later, after all that nonsense, they went to see the Psychic that I suppose resides there. They sit down for like three minutes, and the psychic runs out from the back room and is all like :

"Someone needs to speak to you guys!"

They had no idea what the Psychic was talking about, turns out, My mom's spirit contacted them, telling them that she's ok where she is, and that she loves them very, very much.  She also said that she is closely watching and guiding everyone from where she is. Everyone who saw and heard this then had burst into tears. It was really emotional.

When she told me this, she was about to cry. It was really touching.

Look, I understand that psychics are "unreal" and "fictional" and what have you, but...If It can get me any closer to my mom, hearing anything that woman has to say, I'd pay all my money and things to do hear it.  You don't get chances like that very often.

I may go for myself and see if my mom would like to speak to me. I dunno if she wants to listen, but i have tons of stuff I'd like to tell her.

One more lead. One more step. One more ounce of hope to hope for.

~Cris Iorio
Son of Kathleen Teresa

I am not: Immortal.

I love: Music.

I hate: Ignorance.

I fear: Car accidents, Social situations gone bad.

I hope: I’ve helped many people.

I hear: My air conditioner, as it saves me every night.

I crave: Cheese.

I regret: My mistakes.

I cry:  For epic stories, and fallen comrades.

I care: about a lot more than I show I do.

I always: Feel my thoughts make no sense.

I believe: Music is the Epitome of Existance.

I feel alone: When I don’t understand.

I listen: Very well.

I sing: Constantly.

I dance: Only if I feel it.

I write: Music about great events and people.

I play: Music and Videogames. ^_^

I miss: My Mother..

I search: To learn..

I learn: Everything I posibly can..

I feel: Empty.

I know: Not enough information.

I say: Thing’s that I think help, but don’t.

I succeed: At anything I put effort into. It’s not about completion or success. It’s about Effort.

I dream: Loving a particular person, Car accidents, Bad social situations, Epic adventures.

I wonder: If I will ever do anything great musicly. If I will ever see my Mother again.

I want: To help everyone do great things.

I have: Hope.

I give: Shitty, boring lectures. Sorry.

I fight: To become Greater than I was yesterday, Every day.



FIRST
First best friend: John Trama.

First date: Heather Tinneny.

First real kiss: Heather Tinneny

First break-up: Heather Tinneny

First screen name: SenseiKakashi662 (Still mildly in use)

First self purchased album: Never bought one.

First funeral: Grandpa John. (Downstairs Neighbor, No relation.) June 4^th

First pets: A German Shepard named Sparky.

First true love: I’m not sure.

First enemy: Victoria (Upstairs).

First musician you remember hearing in your house: I’m not sure.


LAST
Last cigarette: Highschool, 12^th grade.

Last car ride: Driving home from DnD in Massapequa.

Last kiss: Very long ago…

Last good cry: Last week. Other than that, 3 years ago...

Last library book checked out: 19^th Century G# Flute Method Handbook.

Last movie seen: Some Halloween Movie. It’s June. Don’t ask.

Last beverage drank: Water. Dieting.

Last food consumed: Three Pieces of American Cheese on a Potato Hotdog Bun.

Last crush: Christine. Nothing Major.

Last phone call: Johnathan.

Last time showered: Today.

Last shoes worn: Sandals w/Socks. ^_^

Last cd played: Cake.  Motorcade Generocity.

Last item bought: A 2032 Battery, Bubbles, and Charmomile Tea bags.

Last annoyance: Other’s limits on my speech.

Last disappointment: People falling asleep during one of my lectures. You know who you are. =/

Last time wanting to die: Playing Bruchner’s 4^th Symphony in Eb straight through. April 08.

Last shirt worn: Blue Back to the Future “Dolorian” shirt. ^_^

Last website visited: Livejournal.

Last word you said: “Goodnight, Christine.”

Last song you sang: "Mr. PC" –John Coltrain

What color socks are you wearing?: Nope. But black before.

What color of underwear are you wearing?: Light  Blue.

What's under your bed?: Books, Guitar Hero Garbage, Some cups, Some more Books.

What time did you wake up today?: 5:10 pm



FUTURE
Where do you want to go?: Anywhere I can learn something. Another country? With someone Special.

What is your career going to be?: Concert Bassist for an Orchestra/ Music Teacher in Japan.

How many kids do you want? It would be nice to raise my own little noob, but it’s up to my mate, really..

What kind of car(s): An eletric, or water only car. I’d like to be able to aford it.


My name is: Cris (Jack)
I may seem: Very bright, A big dick
But I('m) really: Shy, Unsure, Different.
In the morning I: Get sick if I eat.
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: Going Somewhere else.
Money is: Unnessicary, Stressful.
One thing I wish I had is: A particular person. Better Musicianship. Better at languages.
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: Self doubt.
All I need is: Time to learn everything in the world.
If I had one wish it would be: I’m scared to use it, but, The ablity to complete all my goals.
Love is: unexplainable.

If an angel flew into my window at night I would: Ask if it was lost. Feed it a yodel.

If a demon crashed into my window I would: Ask the same question. Ask if he’d prefer a devil dog. I have those too. His choice.

 
If I could see one person right now it would be: My Mother.

Something I want but I don't really need is: Money to buy fun junk.

Something I need but I don't really want is: The word’s to express myself.

It makes me angry when: People just don’t seem to understand what I really mean/want

Sorry Floe, I stole this from you. I have a natural attraction to these things. But so does everyone else. Sorry if this bothered you.

~Jackimo Blackimo

 On the way home today, The moon seemed full. And there was a star, this bright, little star just sitting there, In front of me as I drove home from the gig.  The moon was really pretty and detailed, bigger and brighter than usual, while the streetlights drowned out the light of all the other friends in the night sky.

 

 It was just The Star, The Moon, and Myself.. I followed the star from the north shore home. I really didnt know where I was going. Just driving...Using the Moon to help me see, and the star as a goal. Just driving.  It reminded me of you. It reminded me of my situation. It reminded me that time and effort perseveres. That giving up on ideas of interest is not an option. Never was an option, and could never be an option. The Moon, symbolizing my faith and effort, lit the dark streets and trees so I could see, and The Star was my goal; even though its in the sky, and I'll never get to meet it, It's still my desires. Together, they guided me home,

 

Safely. So now I sit on my bed, telling you the inflection of my thoughts. You don't have to listen. I just made my mind avalable to you...

 

You will Never hear my words in my context. The Gravity of my Feelings will go unchecked. My thoughts will Never be recorded.
I'm regretting fucking up.

~Jackimus Prime
Student Bassist.

Whoa...These last two days have been outragous and detrimental to my health. It's ok, Ill be great in 20 minutes.

So I have not slept for a straight 3 hours in the last 2 and a half days. Sorry about not posting yesterday. Events happened one after another and did not stop until just right now. It all started yesterday when I woke up.

I woke up, went to the eye doctor, he told me my eyes are scarring. Epic. Even worse, my eyes don't pick up light like they used too so I may be slowly going blind. Awsometastic. So I tried to leave with the contacts and glasses I needed and turns out I owe them like 100million dollars. I called my dad and it turned out he fucked up. Great. So I took the eye solution without asking, and was covered for two packs of contacts. Great.

I left there and went to dodgeball. I practicly got there when James called and needed a ride (after I had called him, him not picking up, and me going to meet up with Johnathan). Left bayshore back to North Babylon to get him, then back to bayshore. I did really well but I'm all sore and shit (cause im a fatass) and  had to leave at six for work. Got to work, Played games with the kids, left work to see Christine, Elise, and Ally.

It turned out to be odd (though every time I see them it is so odd) as they all made lies to get out of their lives, and didn't tell me about any of them untill I blew like half of them up. Altering plans need to be discussed with the whole party. Turns out they never told their bf's they were seeing me (not that anything was going to happen), and Ally's bf Joel said some really malicous things and threats to me and Ally. It was really shitty, becasue you don't tell your Gf that your going to beat her male friend up with a bat. Thats just plain shitty. We just hung out in my car outside of Christines house for 2 hours. I drove them home.

I went to James right afterwards. We hung out and talked and watched thing and played games till 8 am. I think I blacked out for like an hour or two, then I left his house. It was a long night.

I got home for 2 hours, not even. A hour and a half, and watched AVGN, when James had called and told me Jill and him had some shitty fight. I left to go get him and go to govs. We played Guilty gear for an hour before kieran said some shitty things to my tired self and I took an angered walk. I was really exausted. Still am.

I went to see Johnathan, and Fat John and a few people from bayshore after that.  We ate some chinese, and talked as i took another 30 minute powernap. I woke up and we went to Johnathans for an hour, where i watched them play halo. I get  call. Jill wants me to come over and play a game. I figure shes upset, so I comply. I get there and we play the game, and I make up silly rules and words and shit and win. (even though I think I lost.) I had won! Whatever! Everyone leaves but Jill, Kieran and I. We talk for about an hour, when I decide that I'm done.

I get home at 1 am.  What the fuck right? Alot of the stuff was optional, but alot o fthings was in others best interest. What can I say, I'm an asshole.

I'm fucking broke. I need to die. It sucks. I'm talking to somone online. I'm probably not making sense.

~Jackimus

Sometimes when you think you've lost, you've won.


I can never explain a dream because I can never remember what its like. I've had millions of adventures in my sleep that I'll never know about.  Lots of loves loved, battles won, loved ones lost, and crazy happenings; all within my sleep.  Night mares occur too. Of car accidents (I get shitty about things like that), Past grievences with people I am plagued for eternity to endure, and just really shitty situations.

Today, I spoke to an old friend, someone I had hurt really bad, in attempts to fix things between us, to help her grow. I told her how unbearably sorry I was, how i felt about our current status, My motives and ambitions to save the day back then, and how I felt now. I told her of all the suffering I've done and all the learning I have accomplished.  I told her what kind of person she has become, how strong she grew, and how much more socially adept she has become.

She thanked me, consoled me, And told me of her "travels".  She told me what I had did to her, what she had saw and thought, and how she felt now about me. She was very honest, and she trusted me, which was unlike the old her (not that she was bad, and did not trust me, She was just diffrent now).

We parted ways, friends for eternity, friends through the good, the prior bad, back into the good again.  At the same  time I didn't want her hurting. She needed to grow. She needed to learn. She needed to find out who she was. I'm glad I had told her now, as I was finaly able to form words of elegance to embrace this situation. To embrace her.

I hope she can really see how hard this was for me.


On a darker note, I played Dodgeball with James, Carlos, and Johnathan today. I almost had a seizure because of my new contacts and my lack of breathing skills (Im becoming asmatic I think over years.). It was pretty weird, but I had alot of fun, hopefully they will ask me to come back next time.

After that, I babysat (played videogames with) Vin and Joey. They are nice kids, and they mean well. I think they like me, and their father says they idolize me. I dont think so, but parents don't realize that kids act diffrently around strangers or people who arent their "Guardians". I know I was a dick to my mom and dad when I was eight, and I know Adam's parents thought I was very sweet, (other than my cursing habit X_x).  The kids are pretty awesome.

I studied my Japanese with Erin, and talked to the "Girl" and now Im crashing. I owe one girl dinner, and another girl my life. I fucking lose huh?   I also apologize if all this ranting sounds dumb. I'm exausted. But then again, if you weren't curious, you wouldn't of stayed and read this far. You lose now.


I'm quitting.

~Jack Attack!